Are Cub Scout Dads Worse Than Girl Scout Moms?

I am uniquely qualified to make this determination. I have been a cub scout, a webelo, the dad of a cub scout, the dad of two girl scouts, and I am married to a troop leader.

I was not a good cub scout. If they gave out grades in scouts, then I would have failed. When you’re a cub scout, they give you a book that details all the things you need to do to earn a badge. When you earn enough badges, then you move onto the next level in the scout hierarchy. Circa 1977, I used to sit flipping through the pages of my scout book in my backyard. I would say to myself, “I don’t want to build a house out of popsicle sticks.” Flip a few more pages, “Doing a wood carving looks cool, but mom says I might cut my finger off.” Flip a few more pages, “Build a nuclear reactor, but I don’t have the parts. They’re being ups’d to Iran right now.” And so on.

The pinnacle of the scouting year is the Pinewood Derby. This is where everyone is supposed to make a car out of balsa wood. A downhill track is set up out of plywood boards and everyone races their derby to get a champion. Now, I worked on my derby in 1977 for a good long week. I carved and whittled and glued and painted. My mom took me up to the elementary school in the evening on a school night. The track was set up in the auditorium. Mom dropped me off and said I’ll pick you up in a couple of hours. I walked in and was as proud as could be of my car. My pride was soon running scared when I checked out all of the other cars. I couldn’t see a friend or fellow scout in sight. The only thing I saw were dad’s putting the finishing touches on their sons’ cars. I didn’t know such futuristic cars could be carved out of wood. Speed racer eat your heart out. AJ Foyt see ya later. These things were works of art. Last minute sanding, touch up painting, and wheel greasing proceeded until the heats began. My car looked like I brought it up from the Otay Mesa junk yard. I knew for sure that I was going to lose and lose badly. However, as the night progressed, my car was the little engine that could. Ugly as sin, it kept winning heats and progressing through the night. I didn’t get first place, but I do remember getting a trophy. Back then they only gave out awards for 1st, 2nd or 3rd, so I had to be top three. I learned things other boys didn’t learn that night.

Now, the girl scouts are similar in style. You go from daisy to brownie to girl scout. Your earn badges and move along all the levels. The girls scouts have their own competition every year and that is girls scout cookie sales. It is all very corporate. The spreadsheets are made and the sales quotas and targets are listed. The bonus schedule is laid out nation wide for every girl scout. If you sell a hundred, you get this fake flower bobbie pin and if you sell two hundred, then you get a bedazzled hair net and so on. The distributorships are set up and the campaign date is set. If you want to be a pariah, then start selling before the deadline or selling in someone else’s territory.

All of the cute little girls walk around their neighborhood block and sell cookies and everyone buys a box or two. It’s so great for them to learn to take orders, count money, make deliveries ect. However, you need to scratch the surface to see what’s really going on. Moms pushing dads to take cookie sale sign ups to work. Moms pressuring coworkers, department heads, and ceo’s into buying cookies. Wives refusing to cook and witholding sex until the quotas reached. I’m afraid to go on.

I was a lousy cub scout and I was never a girl scout, so I’ll leave the answer up to you.

I can’t wait until my thin mints arrive.

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